Happy Shoes

        ...If shoes could talk....

Surgery

May 5th at OHSU -- sometime that day the Docs at OHSU will help me very much by surgically removing my left breast.  I will be very glad to have that part of my treatment completed.   When my chest area heals it will be better than it is now, because the tumor is kinda uncomfortable.   

Describing how I feel right now, maybe someone would like to know. ? .  

 Physically I feel very out of shape, that is partially because of the cold weather we have been having during most of my chemo schedule.... but it mostly because I have been very lazy.  That's right -- very very lazy.  

Mentally, I feel like chemo brain is real, the whole chemo deal has passed by like a very strange odd dream.... every day I feel a little tiny bit sharper.   

Emotionally, I feel a kind of resignation about the whole deal, but also very grateful for the Medical Professionals at OHSU.  I feel a little embarrassed, being the one who is weak and dependent, it is a very weird self identity thing.  

Spiritually, I feel like I want to try to put into action many of the things I have thought about during this last winter, I wonder if I can?  I do doubt myself, can I make changes in myself?

What if there is no waking up from surgery?  Please do not keep my body alive, thank you very much.  That is my wish.  

I guess that I am actually assuming that there will be a continuation of my life after the surgery, I am really not that worried about 'dying on the table'.  I love all of my family and friends, and life on earth is beautiful and wonderful -- but, life will go on, that is my comfort, that everyone will carry on.

After surgery, I have work to do to be a better person, and to be closer to God.... I guess that is the direction to take....

My appearance is alarming ...I am almost hairless, and down to two eyelashes on my left upper eyelid, seven on my right upper eyelid and 3 eyelashes each on both my lower eyelids.  My head is shiny in the light, but is covered with miniscule light colored hairs maybe a millimeter long.  I don't think that being basically hairless is the most important part of this whole epic saga, but it is the most visible marking of being sick.  My fingernails are grooved across and are yellowed.  Again, they grow back....

I think about being attached to my medical appointments and I feel aimless and unfocused about my life.   If I continue to feel this way after my recuperation from surgery, I will go to a counselor -- right now, I feel justified being 'at loose ends', but I don't want to stay this way, it would be wasting being alive.  I feel really strange being a 'survivor'.... kinda 'why me?'   Also, can I plan long term projects?  

Heather's wedding is the next event to focus on for this summer.   Maybe, taking life in small chunks is a way to proceed....... Hmm, maybe I have found a way ...?

My Best to All,

LOve, C.

Good Friday

Good Friday brought good news ... Just 2 days before, had a PET/CT scan and the results on Good Friday.  The only lesion found was the tumor in the breast.  Very very happy that all of the chemo was successful.  Thank you to everyone, especially my great Oncologist, Dr Luoh, at OHSU.

Easter Monday, will have another appointment to schedule surgery.  Different Doc for that,  maybe Dr Naik.

Easter Egg Hunt at the park, with Dillie, Mike and Rachel.... it was cold, windy and a bit wet...  brrrr.  Mistakenly arrived 1 hour early,  but it all worked out.  Dyl really focused on the hunt, and when he finally got going, he did very well, with lots of eggs and candy.  What a cute little guy he is!!!

I am feeling good,  and every day I feel better!

Love to all, C.